Tuesday, September 14, 2004


I had a slight feeling in the back of my head that my last entry (the one in which I took the personality test) would get somebody to reply, "You are not an introvert," or something to that effect. And I got one of those from my friend, Todd.

The thing is, most people, including my family, don't really know or understand me that well. I'm a very private person and keep 90% of my feelings and thoughts to myself. Even two of my closest friends, Ryan and Billy, I don't think know me as well as most very close friends usually do. Some friends, including many North Carolina friends, know one side of me very well - the one in which I'm silly, stupid, drunk, and says whatever the fuck I want to say no matter how politically incorrect I am. And that is me...but only a small part of the time and only when I get to a point in which I feel comfortable around those people. Let me give you an example: I was hired by WXYC in the summer of 2001; however, it wasn't until the next summer when I started to hang out more with XYC jocks...and grad school only had a part to do with it. The fact is, I was too shy and uncomfortable around most of the people I eventually became good friends with. Even throughout the last year I spent in Chapel Hill, there were many weekends I stayed at home and watched TV even if I knew of a party or people getting together at a bar because I'm so much of an introvert. People would say to me, "I haven't seen you in weeks," precisely because of that.

I had a similar "people not really knowing me" sort of thing when I was an undergrad at Mizzou. I had sort of established a reputation as a party animal. That was alright, I guess...but the problem I ran into was that some people never took me seriously because I rarely, if ever, acted seriously in their presence. They never saw the quiet, introverted side of me that I was most of the time. They just saw the "party" side of me, usually in bars or at parties (duh).

I've been an introvert all my life. I feel that I'm good at keeping friends, but it's a lot more difficult to make friends. That's why my first couple of years (especially the first year) in Chapel Hill were the hardest and unhappiest years of my life. Another really unhappy year was the year my family moved from Raleigh to St. Louis in the summer of 1990. I spent 8th grade with zero friends and didn't have any real friends until junior year of high school. Also, when I was in kindergarten, I didn't say one word in the classroom until sometime during the second semester.

I guess the reason for this entry is because people don't know me well at all, and it's really my fault since I'm not an open person. I feel that I'm way too serious most of the time...and that's probably why I let myself loose when around friends. I wish I could be more open, but the introverted side of me won't let me. But I'm trying, as you can probably tell with this entry. In the month and a half that Maria and I have been dating, she's gotten to really know me better than most people, and I guess she's sort of an inspiration for me to try to open up a little bit more to others.

I don't mean to imply that people don't know me at all...because as stated or implied above, most friends know one (or two) side(s) of me pretty well. But one thing I hope every friend out there realizes is that I love you all, and if you don't live in Chicago, you should move up here soon. (Awww.)

Now go eat a dick. Fucker.


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